Grumblings of a Bum

Yes, I am a bum. Out of school, jobless, and living with my parents. I came back from Mozambique with such high expectations. I'd go work at Camp David of the Ozarks all summer, and then I'd find something awesome to do. I'd get an enjoyable job, working at a horse barn, or doing photography, or something of the kind. Or maybe God would miraculously fatten my emaciated wallet and send me off to do more mission work. Whatever happened, I felt like I was ready for it. The one thing I wasn't ready for was...nothing...and, of course, nothing is what happened. I lack both the cash and the desire to go to college. I feel pretty much directionless, and, oftentimes, useless. My prayer of 'here I am, send me' seems to have gone unanswered. I'm tempted to ask God what He's doing, to shout angry questions. "You know I'm willing to go where You send me, God, so why are You leaving me to stagnate here? Why? Why? Why? What is the purpose of all this? I'm just useless. Worthless. Nothing."

I have to cling to the trust that somehow, in a way beyond my feeble understanding, this is an important part of the master plan. God wants me to learn and grow through this. It's up to me to have the right attitude about it. But having the right attitude is hard. So very, very, hard. In a world and society where everyone rushes around like a decapitated chicken, it's hard to be the only one standing still. It's hard to explain to people that I'm a bum because that's what God wants for me right now. But when did God ever call His people to follow a path of roses? Jesus said, "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me." So it seems that I must carry my burden of ease until I have learned the lessons it has to offer.