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Showing posts from January, 2013

20 & 2013

I'm 20 now.

Please don't laugh at me, but 20 just seems very old. 20 seems mature and responsible and very, very, grown up. I'm not sure that I'm ready to be mature, responsible, and very, very, grown up...at least, not all the time. In fact, I think that I might be aging backwards. When I was 15, people usually guessed my age to be 20, and when I was 19, people usually guessed that I was 16. This just goes to show how well you can fool people if you keep your mouth shut. I don't regret my decision to come out of my shell and start really being myself...at least, I don't regret it very often. I don't think I've lost the regard or respect of anyone who truly knows me. I have a lot more fun now than I did when I was younger. I'm much more light-hearted, and I have more friends ('cause, you know, it's easier to make friends if you actually spend a little time talking to people). Yes, I think the benefits have far outweighed the cost.

Since my …

Joy Part II

I'm that person who never forgets, and never lets go.

Unforgiving

Relentless

When others have forgiven and forgotten, I'm still blaming myself, over and over and over, for the mistakes I've made.

It took me a long time to realize how incredibly destructive and ungodly this is. But I finally had a breakthrough moment, and wrote:
'Guilt does not come from God. God sends us conviction, which leads to change, not a broken record that bogs us down with painful memories and pointless regrets.'  Yes, sometimes I am an incredibly dense and utterly blind Christian. There are so many elementary concepts that I haven't even begun to work out yet. Maybe I'll have time someday to learn deep and advanced spiritual truths. In the meantime, I'm kept quite busy trying to remember simple things like Guilt = Very much not good.

There is a reason why Satan is called the Accuser. It's incredibly difficult to stop listening to his accusations and reminders of my past fa…

Joy

I have been thinking a lot of long and somewhat disjointed thoughts lately. Many of them have been on the subject of joy - what it means to live joyfully and to have the joy of the Lord as my strength.

I am frequently a happy person, but lately I've found myself thinking and living in a way that is far from joyful. I don't want that. I want my joy back.

I'm not sure if I've managed to grasp just how imperative the joy of the Lord is to my life as a Christ follower, but I know that it's very, very important. I know that my deep, unfailing joy, regardless of circumstances, should indicate to the world that I'm a part of something special. I know that my closeness to, and utter dependence upon, God should bring me joy, and that this joy should, in its turn, draw me into a deeper relationship with God. I am fully aware that I have never experienced true joy unless I was in the presence of God.

Basically, I've concluded that my lack of joy and my lack of closen…