20 & 2013

I'm 20 now.

Please don't laugh at me, but 20 just seems very old. 20 seems mature and responsible and very, very, grown up. I'm not sure that I'm ready to be mature, responsible, and very, very, grown up...at least, not all the time. In fact, I think that I might be aging backwards. When I was 15, people usually guessed my age to be 20, and when I was 19, people usually guessed that I was 16. This just goes to show how well you can fool people if you keep your mouth shut. I don't regret my decision to come out of my shell and start really being myself...at least, I don't regret it very often. I don't think I've lost the regard or respect of anyone who truly knows me. I have a lot more fun now than I did when I was younger. I'm much more light-hearted, and I have more friends ('cause, you know, it's easier to make friends if you actually spend a little time talking to people). Yes, I think the benefits have far outweighed the cost.

Since my birthday and the start of the new year are so close together, it's nice to choose a day somewhere between the 1st and the 12th and take a peek back over the previous year. My blog provides a handy way of doing that. So, I spent some time the other day looking back through my old posts. I'll freely confess that I had more than one moment of inward cringing. I seriously considered clicking 'delete' on several occasions,  and I frequently found myself wondering 'WHY did I write that???' Some of the things I've written are just incredibly...annoying. I used to be so sure of myself and my own wisdom, and the immense value of everything I thought I needed to say, that it was really a bit sickening.

That has changed a lot over the past few months.

I've been forced to come to grips with just how little I have to offer. Really, the only thing I have to offer to God is myself...and the only reason I'm worth anything to Him is because He chose to make me so. The only things I have to offer to you are the things God has given me.

Not much, you must agree.

But, for some reason, God chooses to take rebellious, cowardly, sinful little me, and do His work through me. I'm not really sure why He chooses do this. It makes no sense to me...but thank You, God, that You're not inhibited by the boundaries of what does or does not make sense to my feeble human brain.

I'm sure that, if I review my blog again next year, I'll have more cringe-worthy moments in store for me - that's just the way life seems to work! But I hope that there will be fewer cringes over my immature errors, and more celebrations over the immense grace and glory of the God who continues to call me out of the darkness of selfishness, pride and fear and into His marvelous light.


What lessons did God teach you in 2012?