Confession Box

"How are you?" 

Have you ever struggled to answer that question? I'm really glad that no-one has asked me lately, because I would have had a difficult time answering.

In all honesty, I feel as if someone has chucked a huge bundle of spiritual and emotional junk in my lap, and, frankly, I'm not quite sure what to do with it. My glowing self-image has been marred, and I've come to realize that I'm not quite the great Christian I was beginning to view myself as. It's been a rather rude awakening. Or perhaps I should say re-awakening.

To start with, I experienced a violent attack of discontent over my status as a very single girl. This was a first for me, and when it descended without warning from the blue, it took me totally by surprise. I am tough. I'm not emotional, I'm not romantic, and I don't understand people who are. I've taken pride in that fact. I've mentally looked down on the emotional romantics I've met. In fact, I have been an unbearably self-righteous snob. It was terribly humbling to suddenly be standing in the shoes of the people I'd despised. I hated myself, I hated the feelings I was having, and I hated the fact that I was no longer trusting God with my future.Without going into too many gory details, I'll just say that I was rather a spiritual and emotional wreck for several days, until God got me sorted back out again.

Now that I'm coming out on the other side, I've begun to see the good in it all. I have realized that I now have an inkling of the desperate loneliness that so many girls must feel a lot of the time, and I hope that my days of looking down on such girls are now over. I am slowly but surely learning how to put the relationship/marriage aspect of my future into God's hands and leave it there. This whole thing has also convinced me that I'm not nearly mature enough to even consider being in a serious relationship, and it's not until I'm completely content with living whatever life God has in store for me that I am truly ready to share life with another person. Yes, I can honestly say that I'm glad it all happened.

But that was really just the warm-up round.

There are some things I've been praying about for so long that I've stopped really thinking about them. Today I started thinking about them - really thinking about the enormity of all the issues involved - and I felt the cold fingers of despair clutching at my soul. I realized with a jolt that I had managed to lose my faith.

I'd figured that, if anything, I was doing quite well in the faith department. When people asked me if I truly believed God could work in those situations, my response was always a quick 'of course!' But I realized that I'd been lying to myself, to God, and to other people. I'd gotten in the habit of saying that I trust God, but had stopped really trusting. I had to come face-to-face with God and realize that, if Jesus asked me "where is your faith?" I would have to respond with, "uhhh, I don't really know. I think it's probably sitting on a couch somewhere back in 2011...or maybe 2010."

So, now I have to face up to the fact that I've been rather a fake with all of my talk about faith. Though I have made great leaps of faith in some areas of my life, I've been completely blind to other areas where my faith had slowly ebbed away. My pride had seated me on a great throne and held me up as some Christian paragon...and so God had to boot me off and let me spend some time in the dust. Will I never learn? I can't quite comprehend why God doesn't just give up on me and find someone more suitable. 

I haven't really resolved this latest crisis. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I can't resolve it. It's far too big and too terrifying for me to handle. I must simply gather the pitiful shreds of my faith and place it all in the hands of a just yet merciful God.

So now you know. You know what a nasty and unpleasant and sinful person I really am. I have let down my righteous facade and let you see a bit of the pitiful me. I didn't want to do this, but I knew that I needed to. I knew that it was high time I started being more real. This is really a bit of an easy out for me. I'd far rather blog about something deep and personal than have to talk it out with a real person, though I'm sure God will have me do my share of talking in the future. More than all of that, I hope that maybe, just maybe, God will use this to encourage someone else who is struggling. Someone who needs to know that they're not alone and that we serve a God who doesn't give up.