The Chronicles of Janie

I am imperfect. I will let you down. I won't always be here when you need me. I won't always say the right things at the right times. If you look closely at my life, you will see anger. You will see fear. You will see selfishness, pride, greed, insecurity. You will see failure. You will see me 'ruin my witness' countless times. Please don't put me on a pedestal, because I'll surely tumble off and break. In fact, I'm already broken. My humanity is scored with a thousand cracks and scars and gouges. It's ugly, and my natural desire is to hide my imperfections, to deny their existence. But how can I hide something so hideous? How can I deny something so obvious? The hard truth is, I can't. So I've stopped trying. My 'righteousness', my 'perfection', will never be enough, so I'm simply allowing myself to be covered by the redeeming grace of God. And each day, step-by-step, God's helping me ...

God does a lot of big and exciting things in my life. He also does a lot of little things. In all honesty, it's the little things that usually make the biggest impact on me. Small, silent moments of spiritual revelation. Short yet meaningful conversations with other people. The bigger purpose manifested in the little plans and details of my very simple life. It's easy to expect to see God working in the big things. Such a big God would naturally care about the big decisions and momentous occasions in my life. But for the Creator of the universe to take an interest in the tiny details, to infuse the little things with power and meaning... that fills me with an awe and gratitude which can hardly be expressed. So here I sit. I'm sipping at a mug of coffee and reflecting back over the events of last week. I'm feeling again that familiar pulse of wonder as I remember how God showed His power in so many, many little things. ___________________________________...

I have written a great many blog posts lately. I haven't posted any of them.  This is because I'm as perfectionistic in my blogging as I am in the other areas of my life. I want to produce the perfect post. The one that's thoughtful and well-written and that won't offend too many people. I complete a post, and then realize, 'oh shoot! So-and-so's going to be sooo offended at me for saying this. They'll probably try to start another argument.' Sometimes I decide that it's better not to go there. Sometimes, I decide that this is the truth, this needs to be said. I draw a deep breath, publish the post, and await the onslaught. Not so many years ago, the latter would probably not have happened. I would not have risked offending the people I cared about. I grew up with the ability to change my identity to accommodate the preferences of the people around me. I didn't have much of a personality. My 'identity' was scattered throug...

Think with me for a moment, will you? Fire up the imagination, unlock the steamer trunk of memory, and think. Do you remember the last time you became horribly aware of the filthiness and the terrible consequences of your sin? Do you remember that overpowering unspeakable agony of mind, body, heart? That terrifying realization that you and God were separated? Now, imagine, if you can, that you're a sinless person. You've never sinned once . Your conscience, completely tender and responsive to God, has never felt the hardening influence of rebellion. You have such a perfect relationship with God that you and He are in constant communion. Then, one day, your sworn enemy unleashes his full fury on you. You're betrayed by one of your closest friends, deserted and denied by your other friends, falsely accused, mocked, tortured almost to death, and nailed to a cross.You're forced to watch your mother's heart break over your torment, your ears are filled with ...

Did you look outside last night and see the blue moon? Well, neither did I, so I'm not really sure how  to explain the fact that I'm about to write ... A POLITICAL POST! GASP! SHOCK! AWE! And general astonishment. Anyway, I don't get involved in politics that much. Mostly because, whenever I do, my heart-rate spikes, my love for the rest of humanity pretty much disappears, and I feel an almost-overwhelming urge to hit something. There's nothing like politics to bring out the worst in everyone. And really, that's what this post is all about. I wonder why politics seem to turn the vast majority of us into intolerant, narrow-minded, mud-slinging three-year-olds? Conservative Christians seem to be some of the very worst, and I used to merrily join in with all the name-calling and blatant disrespect. Then God very graciously whammed me over the head with some of the following verses: 'Submit to every human authority because of the Lord, whether t...

Some of you, my unfortunate readers, who also happen to be friends with me on Facebook, may have noticed the lengthy status I posted back in January about this thing called a *Passion conference. You may also remember how I promised to write a blog post on the subject of what God taught me while I was there. I hope you haven't been holding your breath in expectation for this post...'cause you've probably passed out by now if you have. In other words, I'm sorry for taking so long. To be honest, I've been incredibly conflicted about the best way to write this. As God teaches me more and more, I've come to realize how everything in my life is connected to everything else. Trying to isolate and write about one single incident of my life is like pulling a single thread out of one small figure in an enormous tapestry, and, by showing it to you, expect you to get an accurate idea of the of the completed work. That (I think you'd agree) would be very unfair to yo...

I'm that person who never forgets, and never lets go. Unforgiving Relentless When others have forgiven and forgotten, I'm still blaming myself, over and over and over, for the mistakes I've made. It took me a long time to realize how incredibly destructive and ungodly this is. But I finally had a breakthrough moment, and wrote: 'Guilt does not come from God. God sends us conviction, which leads to change, not a broken record that bogs us down with painful memories and pointless regrets.'  Yes, sometimes I am an incredibly dense and utterly blind Christian. There are so many elementary concepts that I haven't even begun to work out yet. Maybe I'll have time someday to learn deep and advanced spiritual truths. In the meantime, I'm kept quite busy trying to remember simple things like Guilt = Very much not good. There is a reason why Satan is called the Accuser. It's incredibly difficult to stop listening to his accusations and reminders o...

I have been thinking a lot of long and somewhat disjointed thoughts lately. Many of them have been on the subject of joy - what it means to live joyfully and to have the joy of the Lord as my strength. I am frequently a happy person, but lately I've found myself thinking and living in a way that is far from joyful. I don't want that. I want my joy back. I'm not sure if I've managed to grasp just how imperative the joy of the Lord is to my life as a Christ follower, but I know that it's very, very important. I know that my deep, unfailing joy, regardless of circumstances, should indicate to the world that I'm a part of something special. I know that my closeness to, and utter dependence upon, God should bring me joy, and that this joy should, in its turn, draw me into a deeper relationship with God. I am fully aware that I have never experienced true joy unless I was in the presence of God. Basically, I've concluded that my lack of joy and my lack of c...

'Give thanks in everything, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.' (1 Thes. 5:18) Those are the words that spun through my head after I woke up feeling sick and miserable on Christmas morning. I have learned that God tends to teach me through my sickness, so, a little grudgingly (because who actually wants to be thankful for a cold), I gave Him thanks for my discomfort. I have been thinking in broader terms than usual this Christmas. Normally, I just like to think about Jesus, 'the Reason for the season', being born as a baby in a stable. But this year, my mind kept wandering on to His life of ministry, His death, and His resurrection and ascension...that whole lovely and terrible sequence of events that changed the course of human history. I'm probably really dense, but it took me quite a while to realize that my sickness could actually help make me more a part of that sequence. Verses began coming to my mind. 'He {Jesus} was despised and re...

Until now, I have written nothing on the subject of the Sandy Hook mass murder. What could I say? Could my words contribute any positive or helpful light to such a dark situation? If I had been there, in that community, with the opportunity of speaking to the family and friends of the victims, what could I possibly have said? "Jesus loves you?" "I'm praying for you?" "It'll all be OK?" "I hate that murderer, and I'm sure he'll burn in hell?" (I would not even consider saying that). Such words, such inadequate words, would not pass my lips, and so they did not pass my fingers, either. On the other hand, my social networking world was deluged with a variety of responses to the tragedy. People used the opportunity to tout their guns-rights beliefs, express feelings of grief and outrage, or share their thoughts on the fallen condition of the world we live in. A wide range of sentiments, surely, but all sharing one common factor -...

'According to the grace given to us, we have different gifts: If prophecy, use it according to the standard of one's faith; if service, in service; if teaching, in teaching; if exhorting, in exhortation; giving, with generosity; leading, with diligence; showing mercy, with cheerfulness.' (Romans 12: 6 - 8 HCSB) Believe it or not, the mercy with cheerfulness thing is actually quite hard. Miss Calamity either tries to help too many people at the same time, becoming overwhelmed (and therefore grumpy), or is convinced that she's not helping enough people (and is therefore grumpy). In short, she spends more time being grumpy than she does practicing mercy with cheerfulness. Finding a balance is hard. 

'When they came to Capernaum, those who collected the double-drachma tax approached Peter and said, "Doesn't your Teacher pay the double-drachma tax?" "Yes", he said. When he went into the house, Jesus spoke to him first, "What do you think, Simon? Who do earthly kings collect tariffs or taxes from? From their sons, or from strangers?" "From strangers," he said. "Then the sons are free," Jesus told him. "But, so we won't offend them, go to the sea, cast in a fishhook, and take the first fish you catch. When you open the mouth you'll find a coin. Take it and give it to them for Me and you." At that time the disciples came to Jesus and said, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" Then He called a child to Him and had him stand among them. "I assure you," He said, "unless you are converted and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore...

'You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt should lose its taste, how can it be made salty? It's no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and trampled on by men. You are the light of the world. A city situated on a hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and puts it under a basket, but rather on a lampstand, and it gives light for all who are in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.' Matt. 5: 13-16 I recently re-read those verses, and I felt (as always) greatly challenged, and deeply inspired. But this time, I also felt perplexed. I've gotten out in the world a lot more. I've met a lot of non-Christians. They're not big bad wolves. They're generally pretty decent people. I've discovered that a lot of them are, in fact, extremely nice people. Sometimes, they're even kinder, more patient, and more generous than I am. How am I sup...

I remember the time when I was worried about losing my childlike faith. Now, sometimes, people probably worry that my faith has become too childlike. I find myself saying 'I don't know' a lot. And I've learned to be okay with that. The more I get to know about God, the more I realize there are many, many things I will never be able to understand about Him. Not here on earth, anyway! But one of the main reasons (perhaps the main reason) God gives me faith is so that I can accept the things I don't understand. How can I accept a God who has perfect love and also perfect judgment? How can I accept an angry God who also sent His Son to die for my sins? Only, ever, through faith. Through admitting 'I don't understand, I can't comprehend...and so I will simply worship You.' I see more and more clearly that I don't have to have the answers. I don't have to hide my human smallness behind an arsenal of long theological terms. I don't h...

Just another piece of God's world-sized heartbreak that has come my way: The words 'sex' and 'industry' should never be combined. Ever. The bare mention of this combination makes me feel incredibly sad. Everything about it is just so...wrong. My heart goes out to everyone involved in this industry: 'buyers'...'sellers'...'merchandise'...they're all made in God's image, and as such, I'm called to love and serve them the way Jesus would. The question is, 'how would He?' How should I? How should the church? Just one more thing to keep praying about, I suppose. Here's one of the things that got me started thinking about all of this in the first place .

Guilt. Anger. They seem to be popping up a lot lately. Not in my life, but in other peoples'. A conversation with a friend here, a blog post there. The recurring theme seems to be that people feel guilt and anger over having so much when most of the rest of the world has so little. They feel awful every time they spend money, because all they can think about are the people who are dying of hunger. I just sit there, listening and nodding, and thinking 'been there, done that, got the T-shirt'. The process began more than a year ago...in Africa... I really wasn't surprised by the poverty I saw in Moz. I was expecting to see it. I was more startled by the joy and life I saw springing up in the midst of, to my western mind, unthinkable circumstances. But, the fact remained that I did encounter a lot of people who were in very legitimate need. I did my best to help them. I'm sure that my tiny efforts barely made a dent, but I tried to be faithful to do whatever God l...

My previous post couldn't quite encapsulate all the results of a year's worth of thoughts on the subject of suffering. So, here goes with another. I'm sorry if things seem to be getting really dark and gloomy around here. I'm sure it'll lighten up soon. It is amazing how my increased awareness to others' sufferings has changed my life. The blood-and-guts action movie girl has morphed into someone who has to hide her eyes through the gory scenes because she simply can't stand the idea of watching pain (even unreal pain) for entertainment. The quiet introvert suddenly becomes bold when human suffering is involved. The girl who always wanted to do something big and showy has reformed her priorities to this statement: If God can use me to help, to heal, to encourage, even one person, then my life (and all that entails) has just been made completely worthwhile. I have to stop and consider before I sing 'break my heart for what breaks Yours', because ...

I look at the world around me. I listen to the news, to my friends, to my family. And, everywhere, I hear stories of sadness, see faces of despair...and my heart bleeds. I want to help, to heal, to love. I read Matthew 2: 17 - 18 'Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled: A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more.' I think about the fact that all of this was prophesied so many, many long years before it actually happened, and then my mind ventures on to God. All those cries, all that heartbreak, all that despair have been echoing through His mind since before the beginning. I realize that God is God and I am human, but still, I wonder 'how can You stand it? How can You exist with the knowledge of every suffering past, present, and future before Your eyes?' Then the answer comes, like a gentle whisper to my troubled heart: 'Because I can also ...

I read it, sitting out on the front porch, enveloped in my South American cape, sipping coffee, and savoring the freshness of the morning. Morning is a wonderful, suggestive time. Anything can happen during the course of the day, and the morning is a good time to sit and speculate about it. Morning is a time for adventures of the very grandest scale. Psalm 12: 5 (HCSB) fit the mood perfectly: ''Because of the oppression of the afflicted and the groaning of the poor, I will now rise up,' says the Lord. 'I will put the one who longs for it in a safe place.'' I realize that other versions of the Bible probably translate the last part of that verse differently, but I love the fact that my translation says 'I will put the one who longs for it in a safe place.' What about those who don't long for a safe place? What about people like me who'd rather not bother with safety? There are those who say that the center of God's will is the safest pl...

Finding 'the one' (this was meant to be read in a very grand and pompous voice - hence the italics). That's what many homeschool/Christian girls are focused on. They talk about, think about, pray about finding the guy that God wants them to marry. When they reach a certain age, many girls have prepared a list of things they're looking for in a husband. I'm no different than most girls in this area of my life, though I expect that I'm considerably less focused on the men than the majority of females my age. God, fictional characters, and hobbies take most of my mental energy, but the subject of guys and marriage does occasionally surface, as it did the other day during a conversation with one of my friends. My friend and I have very similar passions and pursuits, so it stands to reason that we're both looking (albeit not very hard) for somewhat similar guys. Neither of us live in expectation of finding 'Mr. Perfect' or 'Prince Charming', ...